Monday, December 5, 2011

My Goal In Life...

I've never been able to find an answer to the question as to what exactly is the basic purpose of my life.

What do I want people to think, say and feel at my funeral? Looking back from that point, would I be happy and satisfied that did everything that I should have and could have?

What are the milestones, both big and small, that I want to come across on the way to the end point? Are they really worthwhile?

And most importantly, am I on the right road? For that matter, am I even ON a road? Gosh! Am I at least moving ahead??

"My Goal in Life" - that is the phrase which brings along so many thoughts, all at the same time, in an endless stream, that often leaves my mind exhausted. Everyone around me seems to have found the answer to THE BIG QUESTION! It is only me who seems to be absolutely flummoxed about it. Why?

On much deeper thought, it appears that everyone seems to be pursuing just one or two or few goals, and I have perhaps by mistake, perhaps a bit too ambitiously, set for myself multiple targets. And even after a lot of trying, I haven't been able to prioritize them, because doing so would mean compromising on the less important goals.

That's where the problem lies and yet honestly speaks...

There aren't any of them which can be categorized as "less important", because all of them are too close to my heart...

I guess I'll just have to juggle them like a clown in the circus and just hope that I'm good enough to earn an applause from the audience!


An aim to keep the plate full,

Always ready with a fork and a knife...

An aim to keep my family healthy,

And complete with a beautiful wife...

An aim to stitch up the rags,

Of a Nation torn by strife...

So much to do, I must hurry up,

All I've got is just one life!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

nOtHiNg WiThOuT fAiTh...

"A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history." - Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

These words have been my guiding light, my inspiration, my motivation for the past few years. At first look, which appear as just another bunch of shallow philosophical utterings & mutterings, are actually an endless fuel source for some souls across the world. I am one of those few who survive {...indeed & succeed too!} on just sheer will power.

No Jesus’ virtues, no Einstein’s brains, no Kautilya’s kut-neeti, No Sachin’s talent, No Midas’ luck…

…Just plain & simple power of FAITH!



That life isn’t unjust;

The task may be uphill,

But try you must;

You may not eat your fill,

But never lose your trust;

Live the journey, feel its thrill,

And drown your eyes in pure stardust…!!!

Saturday, April 11, 2009


"Once, an accident; twice, a co-incidence but thrice, a blunder!" Whosoever was the smartass to say that was so annoyingly spot-on!

Emotions, they’re 'a dime a dozen'. Plenty of them flying around all over the place; some spoken, others just emoted & most which die silently. Just like coins, each one of them is valued differently & each has the ‘other side’ to it. Love–sacrifice, elation–insecurity, greed–jealously, friendship–competitiveness, loneliness–fear, feeling cheated–distrust, caring–being taken for granted & many more.

Their silence is the loudest & yet is always inaudible… dying a non-existential death! Those which manifest are often ignored or misunderstood. Quite inexplicably, they are considered justifiable, but not just! Funny, isn’t it? Yes, paradoxes usually are…

Someone once said, "In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences...". Just like the other laws of nature, there are no exceptions to it. So when i experience the “thrice, a blunder” phenomenon, at most times i myself have caused it into manifestation & probably deservedly so.

“Emotions, my friend, are the distant cousins of the Devil. Entertain them & you’ll surely ruin yourself.” Sounds like one of those witty Siddhuisms, doesn’t it? But to be slightly immodest, it is actually an original thought. You can call it a catch line if you will. Whatever it is, it sure does sound slightly funny at first. But read carefully & think hard & you’re sure to nod in agreement that not much of it is untrue. I’ve experienced it so many times… every time my emotions suck me into a deep pit. I crash-land on the surface inside, and then wriggle out of it with all my energy. Once outside, i find myself badly bruised, my mind half-dead! Somehow i recover from the trauma, & then the same cycle follows over & over again.

So the New Year’s message (Yeah, April is New Year for the finance community!) from up above is that, i must dump all the emotional crap & deal with life in a more practical way. I’ve decided to implement it.


Love hurts, truth betrays,
Friendships wither, family decays,

All that seemed worth a million bucks,
Suddenly i find the same all sucks!

So i try to manage to cry a little,
At once the Devil comes calling,

He shatters my world so fast,
i can’t even see myself falling!

Saturday, June 7, 2008


Talking of True Love & Mothers' Day, here's an account of a true incident which took place on the 19th of June 2006, where, forget about the real thing, even fake love was missing! A story about a helpless motherly figure who discovered that day that the world as she had imagined, was finally coming to an end...well, almost. Here i am putting up the exact text of the narration which i had written on that day.

"It happened this morning... Just as i was passing the Trade Star building on the Andheri-Kurla road on my way to office.

"As usual, the traffic was HEAVY!!! And it was agonizingly slow. Slow, yet ferocious, 'coz none was willing to wait for a second longer than he ought to... & none wanted to give even an inch to the desperate road crossers. It seemed as if not even the most supple-bodied athlete could cross that surging monster river of vehicles.

"Yet... quite miraculously... (& HATS OFF to those skillful wonders!!!), the typical upwardly mobile, tied & suited, executive Indian youth, was managing to sail through it. One... two... three. Hop... skip... jump...Oh! he's on the other side!


"But in the midst of all the free-flowing young bloods, a senior lady, half-bent by her age & poverty, too was trying the same endeavor. And obviously she wasn't meeting with any success. She knew for a fact that she wasn't going to get to the other side on her own. So she looked around expectantly for some helping hand. But there weren't any forthcoming, 'coz everyone else was too busy catching up on lost ground in the RAT RACE!!!

"Such was her fright of the traffic... & such was her plight, that it brought tears to her eyes! She waited helplessly on the divider for about 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes, which seemed longer than 15 eons!

"Finally, help arrived in the form of another young lady. Just a hand to hold. Just someone to give her the confidence that she wasn't alone. That was all the senior needed to cross the three bursting lanes!

"As soon as they got to the other side, the most unexpected thing happened. The old lady did the unthinkable and seemingly impossible! She bent her already crouched body further, lay down on her front side & touched the young woman's feet with her forehead!!! Trust me dear ones, when i say that the visual was nothing short of heart-rending.

"And although her act may have been spontaneous & full of gratitude to the younger one's kindness, embarrassment was writ large on the "youth's" face. And her head hung in shame. That act of instinctive appreciation was the most befitting response to the Indian youth's increasing insensitivity to human values. A slap across our faces!!!

"Wake up guys, we're HUMANS. Not RATS!!! Please let's deserve what we achieve!"


Let us not become so possessed,

Let us not be so blinded by our quest,

Let not our hearts be so dispossessed,

Let us destroy the phrase, "an unwelcome guest"

Monday, May 12, 2008


True love – That’s what we’re all yearning for. i’ve found her... She’s thinking about me all the time. But sadly i’m not.

Every moment of my waking life, i strive to make my today better than yesterday and to make my tomorrow better than today. An upward slant is all i desire. So that someday, i will get "there". There as in, to a position which i consider ideal...

Back in school, all i wanted was to score well and get into a good college. I thought that that would be the best thing in the world – to hell with peace in Iraq! i achieved it. She was thrilled; i smiled. Then i sulked ‘coz i wasn’t ‘cool’ enough. i was a boring nerd. And i wholeheartedly blamed her for my state then. This nipped her budding joy. But i hope she smilingly forgave me for that. For hopefully, hers was true love…

All through college, all i wanted was to be noticed, to be heard, to be popular. i thought nothing could be cooler than that. Ready to sacrifice my carefully constructed ‘good boy’ image, i wanted to rule my ‘little kingdom’. And i did. The hordes of certificates and awards bear ample testimony to that. Crowds surrounded me all the time, seeking my wise-ness. And the female fans’ list grew almost in a GP! But much to my royal ignorance i was already ruling a much vaster empire – HER HEART. In spite of jealousy killing her every moment, she kept showering her selfless love on me. She smilingly forgave. For hers was true love…

Once out of college, the cash-hunt began. As i started chasing the illusion of the ‘ideal life’, i forgot how i used to chase her around once upon a time, wooing her undiluted attention. That was long back. She must be having faded memories of it. Or at least i hope so, ‘coz unfortunately they have been crowded out and erased from my mind. i’m sure she will forgive. Hope she smiles too. For i’m sure, that hers is the ONLY true love!

Some unknown blessed soul has defined ‘love’ as “the continual act of unconditionally putting the needs of others before your own.”

And although i can feel it, it’s not good enough. Not even a minute fraction of what she feels for me! For i never say it, she does. i never empathize, she does…always. My love is conditional, always expecting her to be there to satisfy my needs, but never returning the gesture. Hardly ever even acknowledging it. Yet i can never imagine losing her...although she must have actually experienced it so many times! i’m rude, sarcastic; never smile with her, laugh at her and am never open to getting it back in return.

Right now, the love of my life, sits relieved that i got to work on time. Till late in the evening, she waits for me prolonging her dinner and praying for my safe return. And all this, to what end? Only to welcome a grumpy face? If this isn’t true love then what is?

Every moment of my waking life, i strive to make my today better than yesterday and to make my tomorrow better than today. An upward slant is all i desire. So that someday, i will get "there". There as in, to a position which i consider ideal… But somewhere along, long back i have forgotten that my ideal world waits for me at home. It comes to life when i rest my tired head in her lap. And as her fingers stroke and sift through my hair, i feel heaven on earth. Isn’t this feeling exactly what i yearn for, what i live for? Isn’t this the only driving force and the motivation for my being? Then what is it that i have been chasing all this while? Trying to dig a launch pad i guess! Only making the crater deeper… What a fallacy my life has been!

I want to say something to her. And my heart truly aches for those who can’t do the same.

“Ma, I love You”



i've seen Your struggles ending in vain,
And felt Your very trifle little joy;

Endless battles that caused so You much pain,
And You smilingly enacting the "Destiny's Ploy";

Simple it is, 'tis so easy,
stingily praise & endlessly criticize;

But it will take a lot out of me,
Just to match Your angelic strides!

Sunday, March 23, 2008


Imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful, virgin island, which is full of Nature’s miraculous bounties. A sun-baked white beach, with mountains on your back... Venture interiors & you find hordes of lush greenery – palm trees, wild orchards, ever-flowing waterfalls et all. Everything is yours for the taking. But as always, there’s a price tag attached to this revelry. And that is, that you are the only one of your kind in that place. The price doesn’t seem much, for you have since long craved this freedom. It isn’t too hard to imagine, isn’t it? You know why? ‘Coz after all, we all lead a similar life anyways!

We’re all alone in our exotic little island, cut-off from the rest of the world. Feasting on all the material indulgences – Armani, Gucci, Prada, Honda, Tissot, Nike, Renaissance, Marlboro, casual sex, booze, Ecstasy, rave parties… all ever-flowing wonders! And we monsters devour it all in just two-&-a-bit-something days beginning Friday night. The price? Not much, considering our six digit monthly jingle bells! For the interim five drab days – back to slogging our s*** filled a** off at our swanky little… a bit too little cubicle! By the next weekend, we’ve completely circumvented the circumference of our isle. Nothing new to discover or experience. Neither is anything in sight in our occasional accidental gaze into the horizon. So we’re back at it, off on our trodden track once again.

“Man is a social animal.” I remember this line from one of the social studies textbooks in school. Note the words ‘social’ & ‘animal’. Fact is that we’re all beasts! The only thing that keeps us unique is our sociability. Without it we would lose our essence. Did i say, “we would”? Yes, but quite mistakenly. Because actually, over the past few years we HAVE progressively lost our ‘mingling & bonding’ sense.

How long do you think this will last? How far will the utility sustain? How soon will we burnout? And while we fumble with the answers, many more are a begging. Sample these – When was the last time we lay our head in our mother’s lap, got a hair-oil massage from her, played chess with our father, helped out our junior siblings in their studies, bristled our fingers through a sleeping kid’s hair, ‘made love’ as opposed to just having sex, did charity, helped an elderly cross the street, did something… anything to make someone else smile?

When was the last time WE smiled from ‘ear-to-ear’? Or ‘eye-to-eye’ as i prefer to call it.

I guess you get the point. So let’s light a fire, make some smoke, carve out “HELP” on the sand, build an arc… Let’s do something, just anything & get us off this place ASAP! ‘Coz someday eventually, the loneliness will make us lose the only thing that’s still left with us – our sanity. Just as Tom Hanks lost it in Cast Away when he found a friend in a volleyball. And he cried too, when they were separated!

Being in “real” relationships is our basic nature. The more we stretch or bend it, the harder it will snap back.

Why am i suddenly ranting about this loneliness phenomenon? ‘Coz i see it all around me. And being lonely is the thing that i dread most. Not that i hallucinate about the furniture trying to eat me or the walls trying to crush me when i’m alone at home! No, nothing like that. It’s just that over a reasonably long period of time, you tend to feel a vacuum around you. One that sucks out all your energy from within!

Family members running all over the place, friends who got busier every passing year; some of them who couldn’t care less. Nobody seems to have the time or intent to listen to you. Patiently, selflessly & just nodding his/her head in agreement. It feels as if i’m a nobody; my very existence being denied to me. Not that i’m complaining ‘coz everyone, like me, has their own priorities. It’s just that, once in a while, the brimming heart…overflows…

P.S.: था ने कई कई मैं समझाऊँ, के थारे बिन जी ना लगे... (So many times have i explained to You, that i am so lost without You...)


Never before did i feel so vulnerable,
And never was i so alone.

The night-sky seems darker than ever,
And the days are so forlorn.

Gone are the days of glory,
When my heart like pure gold shone.

Everything looks so hazy, except the fact,
That i must keep marching on.

Saturday, December 22, 2007


"Do you believe in fate, Neo?” asked Morpheus.
“No.” replied Neo.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t like the idea that I’m not in control of my life.”

That’s psyche-shaking stuff from The Matrix!

Movies make my life. They move my cheese too! Here’s another gem that jumps up from the memories & flashes across. From the Hindi classic Anand

"ज़िंदगी और मौत उपरवाले के हाथों मे है, जहाँ पनाह.जिसे न तो आप बदल सकते हैं, न मैं. हम सब तो सिर्फ़ रंग-मंच की कटपुतिलयाँ हैं, जिसकी डोर उपरवाले के हाथों मी बंधी है. कौन, कब, कैसे उटृठेगा, यह कोई नहीं बता सकता! हा हा हा हा!!!"

(Life & Death are in God's hands, Your Highness... Which neither You can change nor i. We're all just mere puppets in a show, whose strings are tied to His hands.
No one can predict as to who, when & how will be lifted out...!)

These two portray contradictory ideas - One that challenges & the other that accepts. And these are just two from among the umpteen others that can be cited here. Not just movies, but books-modern & ancient, the scriptures, legends, fables, phrases, sayings, idioms et all, are full of the idea that there exists a pre-design for all of us. They show us the futility of acting & trying to force an outcome against “His will”. Tell me, what good would endless, desperate & frantic flapping & kicking of limbs do, to someone hurtling down a bottomless pit?! Dude, you might as well enjoy the downward flight! Coz there’s ain't nothing to hold on to!

To the atheists, or “realists” as they call themselves these days, the idea of ‘destiny’ signifies meek resignation & passive surrendering. Or better still, it is written off as a psychologically manipulative consolation for the losers!

So what's my take on it?

A dear friend recently scolded me during the course of a conversation saying, “क्यों गड़बड करते रहते हो हमेशा?” (Why do you always bungle up?) She was referring to things endlessly going awry for me in the recent past. i said, “क्या करूँ? बस हो जाता है…” (It just happens...) “i do make mistakes, but i try my best at most times. Yet things just go wrong…” Some hurdle or the other just has to prop up. That’s fate. Or luck or destiny or whatever you may want to call it.

So i do believe in destiny. You know things like, “All for the BEST”, “Nothing happens against His will”, “Que sera, sera”, etc etc…

But it certainly does not imply that i resign meekly to the circumstances. i try as hard as i can to overcome “difficulties”. Sometimes i succeed. Mostly i don’t…

The failures & setbacks have taught me that the worldly order does not function according to my whims & fancies. Try as hard as i might, but some things & some people just remain as they are & as they want to be, respectively. GOD! i HATE RIGIDITY!!!

As i said earlier, i’m an optimist. But sometimes i also feel i suffer from a compulsive obsessive behavioural disorder! Failures & setbacks turn me on & inspire me to try harder. As they say ‘old habits die hard’. So will i succeed ultimately? Maybe… probably… hopefully. Or perhaps i won't… i’m confused.


A walk down the memory lane;
Produces many moods.

Suddenly the heart is swept by nostalgia;
Soon with regrets, it broods.

The hungry monster mind is feasting;
Hope & despair are its foods.

Father, show me the way please,
For it seems, i’m lost in the woods.

Monday, December 10, 2007


Far too many times & for far too long, i have been pushed around, thrown off my tracks… On second thoughts, it was me who allowed it to happen; my indiscipline has almost always led to my downfall.

Time & again, the “voice” inside me reminds me that if only i had been more focussed & disciplined; if only i had been more dedicated to my cause, i would have fared much better.

The today eggs me on to make a fresh start. As they say, “It’s better late than never…”

Many ‘demons’ deserve the kudos for pushing me into action. God bless them & let’s spare the details. Right now it would suffice to say that it’s “make or break” time for me.

But since i’m an optimist who believes more in “making” rather than “breaking”, i’d choose to describe the present situation as either a launch pad or maybe a turning point. i sincerely hope it’s the former. But i’m also a strong believer in DESTINY…


On the edge, one more time;
i let out many a painful sigh.

Forever falling, forever bruised;
Yet I promise myself, that i…

Will never give up,
Will never say, “Die…”;

i’ll dare the cliff...
Until i learn to fly!